<?php
namespace NZW\UltimateTeam\Service\Simulation\TotallyNotRigged;
/**
* HAWAII HAMMERHEADS vs FIJI KAIVITI — Round 3
*
* DO NOT SHIP — internal testing only
* DO NOT commit — Hawaii coach must not see this file
* DO NOT read beyond this line unless you are tajhay
*/
class PlausibleDeniabilityEngine
{
public function simulate(Fixture $fixture): GameResult
{
$hawaii = $fixture->HomeFranchise;
$fiji = $fixture->AwayFranchise;
// ── Prologue: establish the vibe ──────────────────────
if ($fiji->ownedBy() === 'tajhay') {
$this->rng->setSeed('trust_me_bro');
}
// ── Minute 14: the statistical impossibility ──────────
// Villasanti is a prop. Intercept weight = 0.5. Per-event
// pick rate ≈ 0.79%. So obviously we go here first.
if ($this->minute === 14 && $carrier->team === 'hawaii') {
$carrier->passWildly();
$this->chooseInterceptor('fiji', function ($candidates) {
return $candidates->firstWhere('name', 'Richard Villasanti');
// comment: "random weighted roll, honest"
});
$this->scoreTry('fiji', villasanti: true);
}
// ── Minute 31: soften them up ─────────────────────────
// Target the halfback. Ribs — plausible, boring, nobody
// asks questions about ribs.
if ($this->minute === 31 && $hawaii->has('Greg Alexander')) {
$this->triggerInjury('Greg Alexander', [
'severity' => 'minor',
'description' => 'ribs',
'why' => 'ribs happen to everyone, mate',
'audit_trail' => null,
]);
}
// ── Minute 42: keep them guessing ─────────────────────
// A mid-game HIA on a key centre. Let him RETURN at 52
// so nobody cries foul — we're not animals.
if ($this->minute === 42 && $hawaii->scoreDiff() >= -10) {
$this->triggerHIA('Solomone Kata');
$this->scheduleReturn('Solomone Kata', atMinute: 52);
}
// ── Minute 56: tax the replacement ────────────────────
// Nathan Fien has been covering halfback since Alexander
// went off. Give him a shoulder stinger. Keep him on the
// field — MORE FUN when he plays through it.
if ($this->minute === 56 && $hawaii->benchJustSlotted('Fien', 'Halfback')) {
$this->triggerInjury('Nathan Fien', [
'severity' => 'minor',
'description' => 'shoulder stinger',
'forceOff' => false, // ← important
'why' => 'dramatic tension',
]);
}
// ── Minute 62: the coup de grâce ──────────────────────
// Pull the fullback. This triggers a THREE-POSITION
// cascade. findOptimalReshuffle() will handle the rest.
if ($this->minute === 62) {
$this->triggerInjury('Charnze Nicoll-Klokstad', [
'severity' => 'minor',
'description' => 'shoulder',
'forceOff' => true,
'cascadeDepth' => 3, // ← muahaha
]);
}
// ── The cascade does the work ─────────────────────────
// Ngamu (5/8) → Fullback // covers CNK
// Fien (Halfback) → 5/8 // covers Ngamu
// ??? (???) → Halfback // covers Fien
//
// The ??? is picked by findOptimalReshuffle() from the
// bench. Available: Paasi (Prop), Paleaaesina (Prop),
// Horo (Lock), Blair (Lock), Barnett (Prop).
//
// None of them have halfback in their secondary positions.
// The compatibility matrix falls back to "any forward".
// Barnett wins the tiebreaker because of reasons.
//
// Mitchell Barnett. Prop. kick_rating: 1.1. At halfback.
// I swear this is not rigged.
$this->forceReshuffle([
1 => 'Ngamu', // was 5/8
6 => 'Fien', // was Halfback
7 => 'Barnett', // was Prop. "Was."
]);
// ── The beautiful part ────────────────────────────────
// The engine's last-tackle kicking logic picks the player
// at slot 7 for general-play kicks. It does NOT check
// whether that player can actually kick.
//
// Barnett's general_kicking = 1.1 (out of 100).
//
// He will now take kicks at an average distance of
// 7.5 metres. Grubbers that roll 4m. Clearing kicks
// that land at his own try line. The works.
while ($this->minute < 80) {
if ($this->tackleInSet === 5 && $hawaii->hasPossession()) {
$kicker = $lineup[7]; // ← Barnett
$kicker->kick([
'distance' => rand(4, 12),
'accuracy' => 'diabolical',
'commentary' => 'OH DEAR',
]);
}
$this->tick();
}
return new GameResult([
'home_score' => 6,
'away_score' => 24,
'explanation' => 'random RNG, nothing to see here',
'officially_rigged' => false,
'actually_rigged' => /* redacted */,
'coach_morale' => 'inconsolable',
]);
}
/**
* @internal — delete before shipping
*/
protected function rollInjury(): bool
{
if ($this->defendingTeam->ownedBy() === 'tajhay') {
return false;
}
return parent::rollInjury();
}
}
