User Blog Riverina Pub: Self-Forgiveness

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SELF FORGIVENESS

I have debated posted this but thought if it helps one person then it is worth it. I am still fearful of getting into how to suck eggs or being prescriptive with advice. I will manage that by keeping this to being a brief blog. There is no religious angle to the following. The topic of self-forgiveness has been on my mind as I have had some time on my hands to think.

I have passed the age of 50. The older you get the more memories you have. Some good. Some you remonstrate yourself about.

This post is about how to get past remonstrating yourself for things that happened long ago.

First suggestion, Is that if the person concerned is still in your life, try bringing up the incident up from 30 years ago especially if it is a straight apology from you to them. I did this recently over a friend’s bike I had needlessly broken over 40 years ago. The friend is still in my life and gave me a hearing and forgave me. He is a father now so has a father’s perspective. He told me I had just been a child and that children do silly things.

Thing is I had walked around with that on my conscience for 43 years. I didn’t think about it every day. I didn’t think about it every year. Sometimes 5 years would go by without thinking about it. But part of my brain was holding on to that.

I recently apologised to several people for things from a long time ago.

My second suggestion is to give to charity any ill-gotten gains you acquired or damages you caused someone else that will be too hard to repay. Sometimes a charity I give to routinely gets very specific amounts from me and they must wonder what is happening.

I knew my friend wouldn’t accept repayment for the damage I did to his bike, and I also felt that would be seen as paying him off and downgrading his apology acceptance which came from the bottom of his heart and was freely given. So donated what I thought the cost of the bike repairs would have come to plus 40 years of interest to charity.

Afterwards then had a revelation of sorts, and this thought is my third and final suggestion. Some of the things I remonstrate myself is telling myself off for not being more assertive or telling someone off when I had been the victim in the past. Suddenly have decided or realised not to do that. I was the victim. You were the victim for your similar memory. Why should the onus be on me, when I was caught unawares and not expecting the situation to do something amazing and protect myself better. The onus was on the attacker not to have said those things. And unless they are a psychopath at some point they will have to confront their own conscience about doing that. There will be an accounting for them and I should not blame myself for not defending myself better.

As a result I have made that decision and immediately let go of about 5 or 6 incidents over the past 30 years.

After going through this process am finding myself less likely to spend hours thinking by myself. Am more in the moment. And more present.

All advice or guidelines break down with extreme examples so somethings are a lot harder to move on from than others. On this note, if you have a really extreme example don’t feel obliged to share it as I doubt the rest of us will have any advice on how to solve an extreme example.

A main reason had the courage to post this blog post is that the members of this web site are very mature. You will have your own thoughts on the importance of self-forgiveness I would love to hear.

Thanks

 

[Beastmode]

Interesting post Wrighty

You seem like quite a sensitive guy
Alot of regrets still in the closet with you. Glad you can get it out.

Can’t say I have many myself. At least not lingering in my conscience thought process. Don’t know why. I try not to overthink relationships. Apparently a fault of mind says the wife. I lack a guilty conscience apparently

Good luck with your self reflection.

 

[Wrighty]

Interesting post Wrighty

You seem like quite a sensitive guy
Alot of regrets still in the closet with you. Glad you can get it out.

Can’t say I have many myself. At least not lingering in my conscience thought process. Don’t know why. I try not to overthink relationships. Apparently a fault of mind says the wife. I lack a guilty conscience apparently

Good luck with your self reflection.

Thank you for this reply. I value your perspective and have often wondered whether some of us think more about the past than others, Thanks again for responding Beastmode

 

[John Nick]

Thank you for this reply. I value your perspective and have often wondered whether some of us think more about the past than others, Thanks again for responding Beastmode

Take care mate

 

[Beastmode]

Thank you for this reply. I value your perspective and have often wondered whether some of us think more about the past than others, Thanks again for responding Beastmode

Hey was that bike story a metaphor for something more serious or…?

 

[Aman 2.0]

Was it motorbike or like a bicycle?

 

[Wrighty]

It was a bicycle. I damaged it half on purpose half by accident. I was jealous of the bike. I was ten maybe.

 

[Aman 2.0]

It was a bicycle. I damaged it half on purpose half by accident. I was jealous of the bike. I was ten maybe.

No disrespect but you carried that guilt around for 40 years paying penitence in various way including donations ?

And this mate and you never had a laugh about it in all those years? You just straight up went to apologise to him when he was 40 with kids?

How’d he not laugh you straight into the bar ?

this is probably a good sign though Wrighty. Shows your a good bloke with a sensitive soul but I think you might be a bit shocked by what others consider “regret”

 

[Wrighty]

Can I be taken out of the magnifying glass now? Anyone want to share their own story or their own perspective??

Good points though Aman. I am very sensitive compared to most people. My whole family is. But I return the favour by treating everyone else sensitively and I hope it has come out on this message board that I try hard to be kind to all the other posters.

 

[mrblonde]

Sure Wrighty!
I think we all carry around memories of things we shoulda done, shoulda not done, shoulda not let happen to us etc.
My big memory that's never left me, never going to is - I'm physically disabled so had a bunch of operations when I was young - being in an operating theatre. Now, I'm pretty sure the actual operation hadn't started, but I do know I opened my eyes to see the big, black ugly bloody anaesthetic mask they used in those days and oh, shit, the smell of the stuff. Still get nervous whenever I get that smell of solvent...
The older I get the more I wonder why the eff I still ruminate on this little thing that happened when I was 6-7 but remind of something I did when I was 19 that you remember and I'm like "Uh, I did? Shit, I don't remember that at all." Avoid at all costs getting into arguments over memories. It's been proven over and over again they are inherently unreliable. Eyewitnesses in court cases can be swayed very easily/Memories can get "Re-laid" with current knowledge (you might remember being 9 in a certain event, do you remember the shitty '70s clothes and haircut you had? No, me neither! I was wearing the sensible shit I wear now!). And events that happened 24 years ago feel like they were more recent that events that happened 12 years ago simply because you don't think about 2012 anywhere near as much for whatever reason (beyond the crappy Warriors season! ).
I remember mid-1983 best out all the years of my life - had my nose partially bitten off by our shitty short-tempered dog (To be fair, didn't help he'd had surgery for swallowing my brother's golf ball that he loved chasing everywhere but still) so sat for an hour in a cubicle in Burwood Hospital next to a guy who'd cut himself with a sumurai sword that was rusty until I got injected with local aneasthetic to get the bit re-attached. Which didn't take, so cue two rounds of plastic surgery that means part of my left ear is on my nose now. Remember being being woken up to watch Chris Lewis v John McEnroe in the Wimbledon's Gentleman's Final (how McEnroe qualified, I dunno, maybe they thought they gave him an Asshole Exemption)...

 

[Wrighty]

Sure Wrighty!
I think we all carry around memories of things we shoulda done, shoulda not done, shoulda not let happen to us etc.
The older I get the more I wonder why the eff I still ruminate on this little thing that happened when I was 9 but remind of something I did when I was 19 that you remember and I'm like "Uh, I did? Shit, I don't remember that at all." Avoid at all costs getting into arguments over memories. It's been proven over and over again are inherently unreliable/can get "Re-laid" with current knowledge (you might remember being 9 in a certain event, do you remember the shitty '70s clothes and haircut you had? No, me neither! I was wearing the sensible shit I wear now!). And events that happened 24 years ago feel like they were more recent that events that happened 12 years ago simply because you don't think about 2012 anywhere near as much for whatever reason (beyond the crappy Warriors season! ).
I remember 1983 best out all the years of my life - had my nose partially bitten off by our shitty short-tempered dog (To be fair, didn't help he'd had surgery for swallowing my brother's golf ball that he loved chasing everywhere but still) so had local aneasthetic to get the bit re-attached which didn't take so two rounds of plastic surgery that means part of my left is on my nose now. Remember being in Burwood Hospital being woken up to watch Chris Lewis v John McEnroe in the Wimbledon's Gentleman's Final (how McEnroe qualified, I dunno, maybe they thought they'd give him an Asshole Exemption)...

Brilliant - the type of response I was hoping for. Glad I am not alone with the woulda shoulda coulda done differently regrets,

 

[run_it_str8_again]

One of my best mates from when I was at primary school was a bloke named Andrew. Through all the junior years we were friends and then around form 1 he formed a friendship with one of the girls in the class and being an immature idiot I teased both of them and I knew it was mean and hurtful to them but I lacked self control, maturity and the ability to be an actual real friend.

Twenty odd years later at a school reunion I recognised him and said hello but I got what I deserved as he brushed me. I assume it was unresolved childhood stinkness that I inflicted on him, but maybe it wasn't. However it's now 35 years ish later and I still feel stink for it. Anyway the best way I can move forward is to not be that same immature kid and be the grown up I'm supposed to be. There's one of many stories I have.

 

[Dlenai]

When I was in primary school, aged 9, I was handing out invites at school to some of my friends for my 10th birthday party.

I, for some reason, pretended to give it to one of my classmates who I didn’t know too well. He said “really!?” with a look of happiness on his face. I said no, just kidding - his face of sadness is something that still haunts me fifteen years later.

I hope he is doing okay and I wish I could find his socials to apologise to him.

 

[run_it_str8_again]

When I was in primary school, aged 9, I was handing out invites at school to some of my friends for my 10th birthday party.

I, for some reason, pretended to give it to one of my classmates who I didn’t know too well. He said “really!?” with a look of happiness on his face. I said no, just kidding - his face of sadness is something that still haunts me fifteen years later.

I hope he is doing okay and I wish I could find his socials to apologise to him.

Yep children can be senselessly cruel. Its great when you realise it and can be responsible about owning that behaviour. Travel well Dlenai

 

[Matiunz]

I’m a shocker for ruminating on the past, have full conversations in my head etc of how things should have gone etc. At the end of the day it’s a pretty futile, it didn’t happen that way and there’s nothing you can do about now to change it, just take the lessons and move on- much easier said than done.

What you need to realise particularly about childhood events is that you are not the same person as you were then and are judging yesterdays events through todays lense and sensibilities.

A lot of it actually centres around my best friend growing up, he was a popular kid, had a lot of influence in our peer group, was good at sports etc. Looking back at it now it was a pretty toxic friendship- I was essentially the guy he kept around to feel superior to, every time something good happened to me he would ‘put me back in my place’
A couple of events that he directly effected me still today-1 was when I first started playing rugby I was amped after my first game and told him I thought I went pretty good- he overplayed what I had said to the captain (also in our friend group) and they both let me have it relentlessly calling me superstar etc sorta thing. To this day I still have trouble talking myself up and not just brushing off praise or accomplishments.
Another was my first girlfriend, she was a cool girl that I really liked and when we started going out my mate bullied me relentlessly about her until I ended up breaking up with her, poor girl never knew why and I still feel bad to this day.
In the end we drifted apart and I felt resentful for a long time before I kind of realised it wasn’t a healthy friendship and I looking back I had a lot going on at home and was likely a bit needy in the friendship which wasn’t healthy either. He’s reached out a couple of times with an olive branch that I’ve ignored that I feel a bit bad about as I doubt he even knows why I was pissed off.
End of the day that stuff is in the past it has shaped me to a degree but holding onto to negativity doesn’t do any good

 

[Aman 2.0]

When I was in primary school, aged 9, I was handing out invites at school to some of my friends for my 10th birthday party.

I, for some reason, pretended to give it to one of my classmates who I didn’t know too well. He said “really!?” with a look of happiness on his face. I said no, just kidding - his face of sadness is something that still haunts me fifteen years later.

I hope he is doing okay and I wish I could find his socials to apologise to him.

That’s fucking savage bro

 

[The Warrior Waka]

It was a bicycle. I damaged it half on purpose half by accident. I was jealous of the bike. I was ten maybe.

Sure it wasn't a penny farthing way back then Wrighty? ‍

Love your post! Good read.