I've learnt a few things about life and myself in the last 10-15 years that have been of benefit.
Here are some of them.
Experiences from childhood and the thoughts and mantras evolved at that time stay with you. This can be both good and not so good. For me, childhood was solely about survival. Stay ahead of the situation, plan, avoid situations, avoid talking, physical presence and that kind of stuff. I always defaulted to the worst case scenario and that was being killed. Work back from there each time.
I didn't form any emotional bonds with anyone, so my emotional development was virtually non existant. So too was physical touch.
My experience of hugging and physical contact was with dogs, not humans. So I only associated physical touch with sex, once I reached pubity and there after.
I married young, it lasted for 28years until one day I simply walked out. I had not had any feelings for my wife for the previous 20 years but I had three kids to raise and I was the sole income earned all that time. I had a plan for financial independence and to retire early and I pursued this all that time with some success but at a huge personal cost which I now understand.
So my life from 20-50 was much like a business contract. I built a life within my marriage. I didn't stray, didn't argue much, I just ignored anything I chose to, built impregnable walls. I thought I was doing well.
As Frank W has mentioned, sport and regular physical training is very important. I lifted weights for 30 years and played lots of tennis and I'm certain that without this outlet, my defences would not have lasted as long as they did.
I also binge drank a few times a year, until collapsing usually. This started at 14 or 15 years of age. I've learnt this was a form of escape.
I've learnt life is made up of various stages. In my mid 40's I started to reflect on a few things, particularly my view of my mother who abandoned me at the age of four and was killed shortly after, didn't know my father. Anyway, I had no feelings for her, I didn't know her and that was fine until I started wondering what a life she must have had and perhaps she did her best. This caused me some upset over for a few years and was the initial crack in my defence.
I guess what I'm saying is you can only get so far on faulty foundations in life and it has taken me far to long to realise that. Eventually, the house of cards will come crashing down.
I regret not backing myself more, taking a few more risks in business. I regret staying in a stagnant marriage because I placed false value on matrimonial assets, kids and routine.
I regret not understanding what true love is and happiness and denying myself of it.
I've told plenty of people to fuck off and can't remember one I regret.
old age is a B*tch!!
