General The next Warriors news story

PB_old

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Breaking News.

In what was described by some observers as a TAB induced fit of rage, Warriors fanatic Trevor Tuatara is organising a hikoi to march on parliament, in order to bring a halt to the continual haemorrhaging the club has endured since being owned by Eric Watson. Apparently Warriors fans are the subjct of constant derision, even on C4, and there is a need to highlight their plight. The tipping point apparently came during the current salary cap issue.

Mr Tuatara, a former national bowls champion, and entrepreneurial tradesman has enlisted the help of his long-time pen pal, Peter Leitch - also known as the Mad Butcher - to focus the attention of the wider league community. “Mate,†said Mr Leitch,†he’s really pissed off. I tried to calm him down with some chicken breasts for 5.99 a kilo, and he wouldn’t have a bar of it.â€Â

Despite brief initial success with the Warriors, it has been an uphill struggle under Watson for a team often blessed with individual talent. Confidence in their training methods had dwindled since previous dietician, Nikki Hart, who left to further her career berating people on TV, revealed that the espresso coffee they used during the pre-game routine was in fact decaf. Minor sponsor Allied Work Force was disgusted, and threatened to pull their individual sponsorship as the very idea of drinking “coffee lite†was an affront to league masculinity, and defacto the men on labour crews country-wide. The scientific community is now investigating whether the 2002 season was a hangover from “the placebo effect.†The following overcompensation manifested in excess water consumption and in 2004 the players did indeed look full and bloated.

Now after some key recruiting and diligent training, the salary cap scandal is poised to once again bring the club to its knees. The forthcoming hikoi is the start for many fans - or at least two – of the long road to recovery. Much like P addiction supporting the Warriors is harmful and Trevor Tuatara just can’t take it anymore. †I’ve had enough and so has The Mad Butcher. They don’t call me Da Mad Maori for nuthin’ and I’m close to jacking it in. In fact if Butch and I can fid a Mad Maori Butcher we’ll both retire and they can drive the 14 hour round trip to each match.â€Â
 

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