General Joke Thread

[fanrrior]

Geez you guys are acting as if your rugby league team got beaten three weeks in a row. As a present from me to you here is a thread that is designed to make you happy

Jokes, stories, I don't particularly care. But I need a pick me up and get the feeling you do too.

"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu"

" Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off"

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

Did you hear about the constipated mathmatician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

Spoiler: number joke

A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.
The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."
So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number twenty-nine!" This time the whole cell block rocks with the loudest laughter, prisoners rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.
When the guffaws die down, the bewildered new guy turns to the older prisoner and asks, "How come you guys were laughing so hard this time?"

Oh," says the older man wiping tears from his eyes, "we'd never heard that one before."

Spoiler: Mickey and Minnie splitting up

Mickey Mouse is in the process of divorcing Minnie Mouse.
As they sit in the courtroom, the judge says to Mickey, "Mr. Mouse, you claim the reason for your divorce is primarily based on the fact that your wife is crazy?"

Mickey responds, "No, I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

Spoiler: How much

A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her
"Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"
Without skipping a beat she screams
"Yes!"
The man then asks
"What about for $20?"
She looks at him sideways and says
"What do you think I am, a whore?"
The man says
"We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."

https://www.getfrank.co.nz/funny-jokes/number-jokes

 

[Miket12]

Why does the sea roar? You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.

 

[fanrrior]

I used to find it hard to make decisions, now I'm not so sure. At the end of the day I tried meditating because it was better than doing nothing.

 

[a.c.e]

Knock knock.

Whos there.

NZ Warriors.

NZ Warriors who?

Ok ok heres me real joke:

​

“When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying “Hello.”​

​

I politely said, “This is Rick. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?” Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear, “Get the right f***ing number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.​

​

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an a**hole!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word “a**hole” next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an a**hole!” It always cheered me up.​

​

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic a**hole calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?” He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an a**hole!” and hung up.​

​

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a For Sale sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.​

​

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**hole, I thought that I’d better call the BMW a**hole, too. I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?” He said, “Yes, it is.” I then asked, “Can you tell me where I can see it?” He said, “Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax. It’s a yellow ranch style house, and the car’s parked right out in front.” I asked, “What’s your name?” He said, “My name is Don Hansen.” I asked, “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?” He said, “I’m home every evening after five.” I said, “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?” He said, “Yes?” I said, “Don, you’re an a**hole!” Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.​

​

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call. Then I came up with an idea… I called a**hole #1. He said, “Hello.” I said, “You’re an a**hole!” but I didn’t hang up. He asked, “Are you still there?” I said, “Yeah!” He screamed, “Stop calling me!” I said, “Make me.” He asked, “Who are you?” I said, “My name is Don Hansen.” He said, “Yeah? Where do you live?” I said, “a**hole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax. A yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.” He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.” I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, a**hole” and hung up.​

​

Then I called a**hole #2. He said, “Hello?” I said, “Hello, a**hole.” He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…” I said, “You’ll what?” He exclaimed, “I’ll kick your ass!” I answered, “Well, a**hole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”​

​

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd in Fairfax.​

​

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch the two a**holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better.“​

 

[gREVUS]

Cats arent clean they are covered in cat spit!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session. The
mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very
serious frown on her face. She began to speak...

Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here,
yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: Today I found a pair of men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh,no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee,hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Four nun's got in a car accident and died. Of course, they went up to
heaven and St. Peter was waiting for them at the gate.

"Ladies, please confess your sins so that you may pass through the
gates," says St. Peter. Well, naturally, the first nun walks up and
says," "St. Peter, I must confess I once saw a man's penis!"

Don't worry, says St. Peter, go wash your eyes in that holy water and
your sin will be forgiven.

The second nun comes up and says, "I must confess I once touched a
man's penis!"

Ohhh, says St. Peter, that is truly a sin, but go and was your hands
in the holy water and your sins will be forgiven...

...meanwhile, in the backround the THIRD and FOURTH nuns are
going at it, yelling and cursing at each other. "What is the problem,
that you should make so much noise at the gates of heaven?" asks St.
Peter.

"Well," says the FOURTH nun, "there is NO WAY I am going to gargle
with that holy water after HER ass has been in it!!!"

 

[shuffle]

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb??

None! They beat the room up for being black!

 

[gREVUS]

This german tourist was on a bus tour of Castilla during the summer
that had a stop at this old convent. The tour wasn't that interesting
and he managed to stay behind and start wandering. Feeling the urge,
he stopped to pee on the outside wall of the chapel. While he was
doing his business, he was surprised by the Mother Superior. "OH! I am
soo sorry!' "No," she replied. "Actually, I've never seen a
man's...You know. Could I take a look?" The tourist was freaked out by
a nun asking to see his works but it was kinda kinky in a way, so he
figured, what the hell. The nun looked at it for a bit and as he was
about to put it away she said, "You know, I always wanted to touch it.
Would you mind...?" "This is really wierd, but sure." The tourist was
getting really exited. Who could say that you had been tossed off by
a nun? "Could you take it all out so that I can get a complete
expience?" the nun requested. The tourist, sure that he was about to
get laid, willingly took down his pants. The nun began fondleing his
testicles and sudennly straightened, and said,

"Don't (SQUEEZE) piss (SQUEEZE) on the (SQUEEZE) church (SQUEEZE) walls!!!!!!!!!!!(SQUEEZE).


Nothing beats Nun jokes - Notheing

 

[fanrrior]

I bet this beats nun jokes.

The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.

He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.

The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a cock? To which all the men stood up.

"No,no," he said, somewhat flustered, "that's not what I meant. "Has anybody SEEN a cock?" All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said. "Thats not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up.

"No, no," He said, now thoroughly embarrassed "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY cock?" All the choirboys stood up.

 

[fanrrior]

Three nuns die and are at the gates of heaven and St. Peter pops up and says "Before you enter heaven you must each answer one question correctly".

The first Nun was asked "Who was the first man on earth?" to which she replied "Adam" and was allowed into heaven.

The second Nun was asked "Who was the first woman on earth?" to which she replied "Eve" and was allowed into heaven.

The third Nun was asked "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" to which she replied "Ohh! That's a hard one"

 

[mt.wellington]

A guy gets a new job. He works Thursday and Friday.
On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her."
The boss says, "You fuck your sister?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Three mice were sitting in a bar in the roughest part of town talking about how tough they were.

The first mouse slams down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grap the bar and bench press it 20 or 30 times to work up an appetite then I'll eat the cheese." And with that he slams down another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says, " Thats nothing. I sprinkle rat poison into my morning coffee and snort afew lines just to wake me up in the mornings." And with that he slams down another 2 shots.

The third mouse slams down a shot, throws the glass against the wall, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third without stopping, kicks down the exit door and replies, "I havent time for this bullshit, I'm going home to fuck the cat."
.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Friedman drives into a tiny southern town and parks in front of the only building, that says, "General Store." He gets out and walks up the porch stairs to an old guy sitting and rocking in a rocking chair.
He says to the old guy, "What a God-forsaken place. What do you people do around here?"
The old guy says, "We don't do nothin' but hunt 'n fuck."
Friedman says, "Oh yeah, what do you hunt?"
The old guy says, "Somethin' to fuck."

 

[fanrrior]

A wealthy Chicago businessman goes to Vegas and loses all but three dollars. He comes out of the casino and waves a taxi over. How much is a ride to the airport?" The driver replies that it is $5. "Come on I only have $3, but I'll pay you $10 when I get home by mailing you a check."" said the man. "No way" replies the Driver and throws him out of the car.
Two years later the man comes back and goes to the same casino. This time he wins money. As he exits the casino, he sees a long line of Taxi drivers.. and at the end is his enemy from two years ago.
Seeing this, the man decides to get his revenge. He goes up to the first Taxi and says: "hey will you give me a blowjob?" the taxi driver says: "no you freak, get out of my car!"
The man then goes on to the next car and says: "hey will you give me a blowjob?" the taxi driver says: "no you maniac, get out of my car!" The man continues to do this all down the line until he reaches the last taxi, and sees his enemy. The man asks: "how much for a ride to the airport?" Not recognising him the driver replies: "$5" "Okay." says the man and he gets in. Then as he passes the line of other taxis, he sticks his hands out the window and gives them all a big thumbs up.

A blonde woman boards an airplane. She is extremely exhausted and just wants to take a nap. She finally finds her seat and sits down next to a very curious young man.
He wants to test the whole dub blonde thing and possibly make some money out of it. "Hey, wanna play a game?" he asks her. "No thank you, i just want to take a nap." "Please, its really easy, all you have to do is answer the questions that i ask you. If you don't know the answer, then you give me five dollars, and if I don't know the answer to your question, then Ill give you five dollars.""I really don't want to do this. I just want to take a nap."
"Oh but PLEASE pretty please. Okay, how about if I don't know the answer to your question, I'll give you five hundred dollars."
The blonde woman became interested and decided to play the game.
"Okay. How many moons does jupiter have?" the young man asked. The woman reached into her purse and took out a five dollar bill.
"What goes up the mountain with three legs and comes back down with four?". The woman asked.
The young man, determined not to lose, gets out his laptop and searches all over the internet for an answered. Flustered and confused, the young man hand the blonde five hundred dollars.
After a few hours, the young man was itching to know the answer to the question."What was the answer to the riddle?" the blonde woman reached into her purse and handed the young man a five dollar bill.


The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

 

[KPWarrior]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male..
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[edd]

Beau Ryan cuts Sam Burgess down to size.

 

[Hitman82]

We lost this week. We lost last week. We lost the week before that.
There are three games remaining for us this season, and it's very likely we will lose all of those too.

 

[Hitman82]

but srsly, Powerthirst usually cheers me up:

 

[Inruin]

Why does the sea roar? You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.

I thought it was because the seaweed

 

[fanrrior]

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
So they don't get their nuts wet

 

[koolkat]

Johnny goes too school, and teacher askes where were you on Monday Johnny
I had the day off because grandad got burnt,oh Johnny that's know good how bad was he burnt
Well miss I got told they don't fuck around at the crematorium

 

[koolkat]

Two Irish man in a paddock leaning against fence, and mick asks paddy, eh have you ever shooed a horse before
Paddy scratches his head and says no I don't think so.but of told a donkey to fuck off

 

[FrancisMelee]

What does Todd Lowrie have in common with a dodgy house.......they both leak.[DOUBLEPOST=1377108936][/DOUBLEPOST]What do you get when you cross a shark with a horse.......Paul Gallen