General Another True Story from DMM.

da mad maori

Guest
ADULTS ONLY. Excuse the language at the end.

When I was younger I took a trip to England. After a week and running a bit low on cash I went into Harrods and applied for a salemen job. The then manager asked me if I had any experience in the selling trade. Sure sir, did quite a bit down in New Zealand.
So he took me on.
At the end of the day he came up to me and enquired... how did your first day go ?.
Oh quite good I replied, looking pleased with myself.
How many sales did you make today 'mad maori'?? he pompishly asked.
Just one Sir, just one.
What !!! he exclaimed 'just one. The rest make about 20 sales per day. How much was you sale worth.???
197 thousand ,643 pounds and a few pence, I replied.
His eyes lit up and a huge grin came across his face. What did you sell ?? [as he gets paid on the cashflow that comes into the till.]
WEll I simply said, this guy came in and I sold him a small fish-hook. Then I sold him a rod, and a larger fish hook. Then he said he didnt have a boat so I took him down to the "boat department , and sold him an 11 footer.. He didnt like rowing so I sold him an out-board motor. Then he wanted a trailer to put the boat on , so I sold him one of our cheapies. He then said his mini morris wouldnt pull the boat and the trailer so I took him to the car department. There I sold him a Hilux 4*4. Then he left. happy as Larry. So... thats it.
What said the manager, all from a small fish-hook.
Oh no I said, he actually came in to purchase a pack of tampons for his girlfriend. I simply said to him. "Looks like your weekends fucked mate....You may as well go fishing. !!!!!
 

LeagueNut_old

Guest
One day, Bill & Hilary Clinton decide to invite George & Laura Bush over for dinner.

Political differences are put aside for the night, and the four of them share a wonderful meal and have a great time.

But as George & Laura are heading home, George says "Hey Laura ... did you know that Bill has a solid gold urinal in his bathroom?"

"What? Rubbish, that can't be right!"

"No, it's true! A solid gold urinal! Now I'm supposed to be going on TV tomorrow and telling the country that we're in an economic slowdown, we all have to tighten our belts and do our best, and here's bloody Bill Clinton with a solid gold urinal in his bloody bathroom!!!!"

"No, that can't be right" says Laura. "You must have got it wrong. I'll give Hilary a call and sort it out"

So once Laura gets home, she gives Hilary Clinton a call.

"Hey Hilary - is it true that Bill has a solid gold urinal in his bathroom?"

Hilary puts down the phone and yells out:

"Hey Bill - I've found out who took a piss in your saxophone!"
 

warriors4life_old

Guest
sometimes my dog takes dump on the carpet and i say bad dog and he groans at me but i don't care, after all he is just a dog
 

da mad maori

Guest
Going by the replies I guess nobody believes me.

Oh well, might as well kiss my Orto... Auto ...may as well kiss my book I was gonna write, good-bye.
 

madbaz_old

Guest
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a
local
liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
Idealistic
ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for
conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a
very serious Man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
Like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply
was,
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start
up
a conversation, said, "You Know, you should lighten up a little. Relax
and
enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the
young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way,
but
when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and

replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit
taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his
hand
and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him
several
times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice,
"I hope not, it's only 21:30 now."
 

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